I love Boxing Day.
It's a day when all formalities go out of the window.
We stuff ourselves silly with the leftovers - which always taste better cold - anytime of the day.
A walk on the beach - this year a wind-swept, rain drenched affair - where we were glad of our extra layers, our wellies & waterproofs. Tumbling around by the thrashing sea - we felt as if we'd been through a high powered car wash!
Back for more grub
A tin of Roses
Christmas cake
A good film
And the most romantic spouse question of the day:
"Are you having a pickled onion?"
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Tuesday, 25 December 2012
Merry Christmas - again!
Would you believe it?
Here I am, celebrating another Christmas.......awesome.
Unlike last Christmas - where I was simply petrified of not making it to the Big Day - I have embraced Christmas this year with joy and a vengeance!
I've thrown myself into anything & everything going on.
Said 'No' to nothing!
Over done it?
You bet!
Over done the Christmas lights on the house - Coca Cola....take note
Over done the pressie buying - worth every penny on seeing my Lily's face this morning...
And Gary's for that matter!
Over done the feasting - too right!
And the Baileys
And the chocs.
I cried at the Queen's speech - I know, I know- I need to get out more
Had Christmas songs on the go all day - a juxtaposition when your 7 year old daughter says "Mum - can't we turn this DOWN a bit??".
When Lily was having a moment around Dinnertime - I found myself saying "Lily - come back to the table please, for Mummy, I want us all together, we just don't know how many more we have".
I'm on borrowed time.
There.
I've said it.
Out loud.
Oncologist in 2 weeks.
So on that note:
Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith "A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!"
Embrace life dear friends...enjoy your Christmases
And if anyone wants to lend me a few more - you know where to find me....
Under the tree
Where else?
Merry Christmas!
Here I am, celebrating another Christmas.......awesome.
Unlike last Christmas - where I was simply petrified of not making it to the Big Day - I have embraced Christmas this year with joy and a vengeance!
I've thrown myself into anything & everything going on.
Said 'No' to nothing!
Over done it?
You bet!
Over done the Christmas lights on the house - Coca Cola....take note
Over done the pressie buying - worth every penny on seeing my Lily's face this morning...
And Gary's for that matter!
Over done the feasting - too right!
And the Baileys
And the chocs.
I cried at the Queen's speech - I know, I know- I need to get out more
Had Christmas songs on the go all day - a juxtaposition when your 7 year old daughter says "Mum - can't we turn this DOWN a bit??".
When Lily was having a moment around Dinnertime - I found myself saying "Lily - come back to the table please, for Mummy, I want us all together, we just don't know how many more we have".
I'm on borrowed time.
There.
I've said it.
Out loud.
Oncologist in 2 weeks.
So on that note:
Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith "A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!"
Embrace life dear friends...enjoy your Christmases
And if anyone wants to lend me a few more - you know where to find me....
Under the tree
Where else?
Merry Christmas!
Sunday, 16 December 2012
Hello Santa or is it Brian?
Well - we made it!
Lapland in 2012 was achieved....
But with side issues - mainly the really shite company we travelled with (Transun)...more of that later.
We were incredibly excited...got all our base layers, balaclavas, hats, gloves scarves ready.
Passports ready.
Alarm clock set.
4am on a cold Saturday morning.
Nonetheless - we were 'up & on it' having slept reasonably well and out of the door by 5am.
By 6am we were checked in at Exeter Airport - a small provincial airport an hour away.
Through security.
Boiling hot.
Bloody hell - these base layers are good.
Stripping off
Cappuccinos & croissants for breakfast.
A slight delay - booo
A call for the plane - hurrah
Onto a super Thomson's flight direct to the Arctic Circle. The staff were excellent! Christmas entertainment packs for the kids, colouring competitions, sing-along-carols, looking out for flying reindeers.
We arrived 3.5 hours later.
A perfect snow scene - landing on ice.
Skid on the runway..
Cheers when we finally halted.
And tears from me for reaching an epic goal.
Through security & onto a coach, taking us through the most spectacular snow-bound scenery I have ever witnessed.
It was pitch dark (no sunrise in North Pole) - but gloriously scenic, snow covered trees, the odd Christmas light.
A winter wilderness.
A sheer delight.
Glad to be alive.
We arrived to be suited and booted in ultra-warm arctic clothing and we bussed to our final destination.
Yes...
We went Husky Sleigh riding
Reindeer sleigh riding
Tobogganing
Sampled rustic fayre
And took a snowmobile sledge ride into the deep dark forest to find the real Santa.
As promised.
And paid for.
Sounds great doesn't it?
And I sooo want to tell you it was.
But it wasn't.
We were let down BIG TIME by Transun Holidays.
Misrepresentation, false claims, shoddy reps, poor safety - the list goes on.
But their worst offence?
'Come and meet the real Santa in his homeland' their brochure boasts.
The very fake Brian Blessed'esque Santa was BRITISH - for God's sake
And Lily spotted the glue behind the fake moustache
Our dream
Our goal
Shattered by an inept, misleading, greedy Travel company.
We put a brave face on for Lily of course. We joked about the glue - 'perhaps Santa likes to wax his beard to make it pretty' we laughed. 'Nah....he wasn't the real one'. We joked about the inept reps, the lack of elves, the lack of anybody resembling a Finn..
We made her magic for her - Transun couldn't be arsed.
And we focused on reaching a huge milestone in this story of mine.
But it's going to cost you Transun.
We still have to find the real Santa.
In his homeland.
As you promised.
And I WILL make you pay.
Nobody plays such a cruel trick on my Lily and gets away with it.
The wheels are in motion
I've already been quoted in a travel magazine
My letter of compalint is in
ABTA informed
Trading standards next
Then the Red Tops
I'm back for sure....
Watch this space!
You ain't seen nothing yet!!
Lapland in 2012 was achieved....
But with side issues - mainly the really shite company we travelled with (Transun)...more of that later.
We were incredibly excited...got all our base layers, balaclavas, hats, gloves scarves ready.
Passports ready.
Alarm clock set.
4am on a cold Saturday morning.
Nonetheless - we were 'up & on it' having slept reasonably well and out of the door by 5am.
By 6am we were checked in at Exeter Airport - a small provincial airport an hour away.
Through security.
Boiling hot.
Bloody hell - these base layers are good.
Stripping off
Cappuccinos & croissants for breakfast.
A slight delay - booo
A call for the plane - hurrah
Onto a super Thomson's flight direct to the Arctic Circle. The staff were excellent! Christmas entertainment packs for the kids, colouring competitions, sing-along-carols, looking out for flying reindeers.
We arrived 3.5 hours later.
A perfect snow scene - landing on ice.
Skid on the runway..
Cheers when we finally halted.
And tears from me for reaching an epic goal.
Through security & onto a coach, taking us through the most spectacular snow-bound scenery I have ever witnessed.
It was pitch dark (no sunrise in North Pole) - but gloriously scenic, snow covered trees, the odd Christmas light.
A winter wilderness.
A sheer delight.
Glad to be alive.
We arrived to be suited and booted in ultra-warm arctic clothing and we bussed to our final destination.
Yes...
We went Husky Sleigh riding
Reindeer sleigh riding
Tobogganing
Sampled rustic fayre
And took a snowmobile sledge ride into the deep dark forest to find the real Santa.
As promised.
And paid for.
Sounds great doesn't it?
And I sooo want to tell you it was.
But it wasn't.
We were let down BIG TIME by Transun Holidays.
Misrepresentation, false claims, shoddy reps, poor safety - the list goes on.
But their worst offence?
'Come and meet the real Santa in his homeland' their brochure boasts.
The very fake Brian Blessed'esque Santa was BRITISH - for God's sake
And Lily spotted the glue behind the fake moustache
Our dream
Our goal
Shattered by an inept, misleading, greedy Travel company.
We put a brave face on for Lily of course. We joked about the glue - 'perhaps Santa likes to wax his beard to make it pretty' we laughed. 'Nah....he wasn't the real one'. We joked about the inept reps, the lack of elves, the lack of anybody resembling a Finn..
We made her magic for her - Transun couldn't be arsed.
And we focused on reaching a huge milestone in this story of mine.
But it's going to cost you Transun.
We still have to find the real Santa.
In his homeland.
As you promised.
And I WILL make you pay.
Nobody plays such a cruel trick on my Lily and gets away with it.
The wheels are in motion
I've already been quoted in a travel magazine
My letter of compalint is in
ABTA informed
Trading standards next
Then the Red Tops
I'm back for sure....
Watch this space!
You ain't seen nothing yet!!
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Derailed? Back on track!
Good Afternoon.
I know, I know - it's been a while.
But....
Here I am...!
The past 6 weeks have brought me a gradual acceptance of who I am and what I am facing. This is largely thanks to the Hospice again for providing fantastic counselling services. From being de-railed in the recovery phase - you know, the boring aches & pains/fatigue/things not moving as quickly as I'd hoped - I can now report I'm back on track!
Quite where this particular track is taking me is anyone's guess - but at least I'm moving forward - in a more positive manner.
I went to see the fabulous Macmillan lady at the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau). If you wanted a pussy cat in Terrier's clothing - then there she is. An extremely knowledgeable, tenacious girl who is a passionate advocate for Macmillan Cancer services combined with a pull for citizen's rights. We checked out the DWP's notice that I am 'able to work' and promptly completed the necessary paperwork to appeal the decision. Combined with a statement from my GP, this was sent 42 days ago. The DWP have 50 days to revert their decision or to forward to Tribunal. Watch this space! I did go and attend the interview 'to get me back to work' and luckily found a chap with a sympathetic ear - and a personal knowledge of post cancer treatment - who gave me a period of grace while the issue is sorted. If I wish - I am able to seek out a bit of part-time or voluntary work, when I'm ready, to 'test the water' as it were. So all is not lost.
The GP has been brilliant - as usual. I'm on some old-fashioned medication - which has taken the edge off general aches & pains; had my knees x-rayed to check for specific pain hot spots; bloods checked regularly for cancer markers and lots of talking support.
As we move towards the Christmas season, I am keenly reminded of how it was last year. We really did believe it would be my last Christmas. I was in the middle of chemo, had gone bald and felt a bit rough!
Lily made a fabulous witch (see photos) for the school Hallowe'en Disco and won 'best costume' at the Brownie Guides disco. Lily has joined Brownies with enthusiasm and gusto. I must admit I was a Brownie & a Girl Guide ['Be prepared'] and loved every minute of it. Her boundless energy extends to playing the recorder and the fife (pre-cursor to the flute). Now I don't know what's worse - Lily practising the recorder (yes darling what a lovely screeeaach!) or Gary showing us his prowess as a recorder player...Three Blind Mice, We wish you a Merry Christmas and Good King Wenceslas. I must find my old one...yes I had to play a solo piece at the school carol concert when I was 7....and the Gang of Three could try for a Recorder-ing contract! Ha! Only joking!
And talking of Christmas - we are only a few weeks away from our trip to Lapland - to find the real Santa Claus. We are getting kitted out with our ski base layers....thermal vests & long-johns to the uninitiated! Hats, gloves, socks, balaclava's etc. We're VERY excited - particularly Lily - and have had 101 questions on the whole subject of Santa, Rudolph, Elves etc thrown at us. I just hope our fabulous snow-bound trip and our private meeting in the forest cabin with the big man in red answers some of her queries.
And give me a tick nest to my 'bucket list' of things to do before I kick the bucket of course!
Talking of my bucket list, our Lion King adventure - was, quite simply, majestic. If you've been to see the live West End production you will know what I mean..stunningly beautiful characters, evocative music and a stirring performance showing the death of a parent. Tear-jerking but wonderful.
A big thank you to JoB, bump and Dave. Thank you for driving all the way down to us. It was amazing to see you and have a couple of days of fun! Can't wait to make the return visit!
And watch out Derby...in two weeks the girls will be back in town! A promise to some old girlfriends last year, when I was really poorly, has come to fruition....get out the red paint brushes....we're on our way!
So, that's it folks!
I'll try not to leave it so long next time...xx
I know, I know - it's been a while.
But....
Here I am...!
The past 6 weeks have brought me a gradual acceptance of who I am and what I am facing. This is largely thanks to the Hospice again for providing fantastic counselling services. From being de-railed in the recovery phase - you know, the boring aches & pains/fatigue/things not moving as quickly as I'd hoped - I can now report I'm back on track!
Quite where this particular track is taking me is anyone's guess - but at least I'm moving forward - in a more positive manner.
I went to see the fabulous Macmillan lady at the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau). If you wanted a pussy cat in Terrier's clothing - then there she is. An extremely knowledgeable, tenacious girl who is a passionate advocate for Macmillan Cancer services combined with a pull for citizen's rights. We checked out the DWP's notice that I am 'able to work' and promptly completed the necessary paperwork to appeal the decision. Combined with a statement from my GP, this was sent 42 days ago. The DWP have 50 days to revert their decision or to forward to Tribunal. Watch this space! I did go and attend the interview 'to get me back to work' and luckily found a chap with a sympathetic ear - and a personal knowledge of post cancer treatment - who gave me a period of grace while the issue is sorted. If I wish - I am able to seek out a bit of part-time or voluntary work, when I'm ready, to 'test the water' as it were. So all is not lost.
The GP has been brilliant - as usual. I'm on some old-fashioned medication - which has taken the edge off general aches & pains; had my knees x-rayed to check for specific pain hot spots; bloods checked regularly for cancer markers and lots of talking support.
As we move towards the Christmas season, I am keenly reminded of how it was last year. We really did believe it would be my last Christmas. I was in the middle of chemo, had gone bald and felt a bit rough!
Lily made a fabulous witch (see photos) for the school Hallowe'en Disco and won 'best costume' at the Brownie Guides disco. Lily has joined Brownies with enthusiasm and gusto. I must admit I was a Brownie & a Girl Guide ['Be prepared'] and loved every minute of it. Her boundless energy extends to playing the recorder and the fife (pre-cursor to the flute). Now I don't know what's worse - Lily practising the recorder (yes darling what a lovely screeeaach!) or Gary showing us his prowess as a recorder player...Three Blind Mice, We wish you a Merry Christmas and Good King Wenceslas. I must find my old one...yes I had to play a solo piece at the school carol concert when I was 7....and the Gang of Three could try for a Recorder-ing contract! Ha! Only joking!
And talking of Christmas - we are only a few weeks away from our trip to Lapland - to find the real Santa Claus. We are getting kitted out with our ski base layers....thermal vests & long-johns to the uninitiated! Hats, gloves, socks, balaclava's etc. We're VERY excited - particularly Lily - and have had 101 questions on the whole subject of Santa, Rudolph, Elves etc thrown at us. I just hope our fabulous snow-bound trip and our private meeting in the forest cabin with the big man in red answers some of her queries.
And give me a tick nest to my 'bucket list' of things to do before I kick the bucket of course!
Talking of my bucket list, our Lion King adventure - was, quite simply, majestic. If you've been to see the live West End production you will know what I mean..stunningly beautiful characters, evocative music and a stirring performance showing the death of a parent. Tear-jerking but wonderful.
A big thank you to JoB, bump and Dave. Thank you for driving all the way down to us. It was amazing to see you and have a couple of days of fun! Can't wait to make the return visit!
And watch out Derby...in two weeks the girls will be back in town! A promise to some old girlfriends last year, when I was really poorly, has come to fruition....get out the red paint brushes....we're on our way!
So, that's it folks!
I'll try not to leave it so long next time...xx
Friday, 21 September 2012
BBQ's and the DWP
So.
According to the new St John's Ambulance advert, I am going to:
Find out I've got cancer - tick.
Have to tell loved ones including young daughter - tick.
Have surgery - tick.
Have gruelling chemo/radiotherapy & get really sick - tick.
Work hard on my road to recovery - tick.
Have a barbeque to celebrate....
Choke on a sausage.....
Die....
Well - bloody marvellous!
That REALLY cheered up my viewing of the TV recently and reminded me not to attend barbeques in the coming months unless I want to double my odds of not seeing in my 50th birthday. Such fun!
On that happy note - the DWP (Dept Work & Pensions) have declared me fit enough to start looking for work. Based on a computer programme, that didn't have any boxes to fill in for post chemo chronic fatigue / pain management / dysfunctional chemo brain / poor cognitive skills and oh....what was it now.....oh, forgetfulness - the computer said noooo - or in this case yes!
Strange one that - because my GP and hospital consultants have not declared me fit for work yet. Bizarre.
So, Ros, from Macmillan CAB, if you are reading this - I'll be in touch very soon for your help.
But it got me thinking. What jobs could I do in this current state?
a) Bed tester...an hours kip on all beds available in store.
b) TV program assessor - give reviews on Home under the Hammer & my new favourite the Renovation Game (CH4 11am) or the Great British Bake Off......you, Paul Hollywood, can test my buns anytime!
c) Early night organiser. Is it natural to go to bed before my 7 year old?
d) Kindle book reviewer. I'm a Kindle addict....click, click, click
e) Expert DIY thinker. Having always been the DIY doo-er in our homes (Gary's the technical/mechanical wizard) - I haven't quite got the energy to tackle any projects yet - but do like to think of them & dream up new colour schemes or renovation projects. They're all in my head - so I might just go & live in a virtual world.
f) Professional malingerer. After all - that's what the DWP think.....
Well damn them.......perhaps I'll invite them to a BBQ........
Sausage anyone?
According to the new St John's Ambulance advert, I am going to:
Find out I've got cancer - tick.
Have to tell loved ones including young daughter - tick.
Have surgery - tick.
Have gruelling chemo/radiotherapy & get really sick - tick.
Work hard on my road to recovery - tick.
Have a barbeque to celebrate....
Choke on a sausage.....
Die....
Well - bloody marvellous!
That REALLY cheered up my viewing of the TV recently and reminded me not to attend barbeques in the coming months unless I want to double my odds of not seeing in my 50th birthday. Such fun!
On that happy note - the DWP (Dept Work & Pensions) have declared me fit enough to start looking for work. Based on a computer programme, that didn't have any boxes to fill in for post chemo chronic fatigue / pain management / dysfunctional chemo brain / poor cognitive skills and oh....what was it now.....oh, forgetfulness - the computer said noooo - or in this case yes!
Strange one that - because my GP and hospital consultants have not declared me fit for work yet. Bizarre.
So, Ros, from Macmillan CAB, if you are reading this - I'll be in touch very soon for your help.
But it got me thinking. What jobs could I do in this current state?
a) Bed tester...an hours kip on all beds available in store.
b) TV program assessor - give reviews on Home under the Hammer & my new favourite the Renovation Game (CH4 11am) or the Great British Bake Off......you, Paul Hollywood, can test my buns anytime!
c) Early night organiser. Is it natural to go to bed before my 7 year old?
d) Kindle book reviewer. I'm a Kindle addict....click, click, click
e) Expert DIY thinker. Having always been the DIY doo-er in our homes (Gary's the technical/mechanical wizard) - I haven't quite got the energy to tackle any projects yet - but do like to think of them & dream up new colour schemes or renovation projects. They're all in my head - so I might just go & live in a virtual world.
f) Professional malingerer. After all - that's what the DWP think.....
Well damn them.......perhaps I'll invite them to a BBQ........
Sausage anyone?
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to me!
I know. Crazy isn't it?
Birthdays are just so......annual!
47
And I keep being told - with my pixie Annie Lennox haircut - that I look so much younger than I did...goodness. Must have looked 100...
Had some news on my digital mammogram.
Left-side naughty, wonky boob - fine.
Right side - never had a mention before - two tiny benign tumours - whooaaaa - what?? Where did they come from? When did they arrive? How long they been there? Did the chemo kill 'em off? And anyway - how do you know they are benign? I was so shocked - I only got to ask the last question - to which the response was 'well that's what the consultant radiologist gets paid £100k+ a year for - to make that judgement'. Well I hope he's made the right call - for all our sakes. Next appointment will be with the oncologist (chemo doctor) - such fun!
In my previous post, it wasn't my intention to make you
a) sad
b) feel sorry for me
c) feel guilty
d) think I'm depressed.
None of those apply.
It's hard being honest with yourself when generally you have a more positive outlook on life than some.
I've not done, (and have no intention of doing), the 'pity me', 'poor me' 'why me' routine. Had a belly-full of that from Mrs Bouquet whom we visited with the rest of Gary's family at the weekend, in memorium of my father-in-law Bill's passing (a year ago). Got to get my own chuckle tho - she's only gone and spelt Bill's name wrong on the expensive stone in the cemetery....honestly! Well that'll teach her to run things by the family (especially when we are paying) and not do things off her own back. LOL
And my precious Lily...the same day I published the last post - gave me Loveheart sweets saying...'for you' 'love you' & 'hug me'. And thanks to my hospice counselling - I now understand that when she won't get dressed by herself (which she's perfectly capable) - it's so she can really close to me. Intimate moments with her Mummy. And when I respond with 'Oh for goodness sake Lil you can do this' - it's a rejection by me - making her even sadder. And angrier. I'm learning Lily. Forgive me. But I'm still learning.
So a spiffing day today so far.
Tea, hugs, cards & pressies...West End Lion King tickets for the Gang of Three, a new pet by way of a Venus Fly Trap...just watching it squeeze a wasp as we speak, Chanel Allure etc.
An 'offical' day off (also know as a 'can't be arsed day' or a 'riffy day').
M&S Chinese & hot choc pud with cream & wine tonight.
Lovely....
Happy Birthday
To me!
I know. Crazy isn't it?
Birthdays are just so......annual!
47
And I keep being told - with my pixie Annie Lennox haircut - that I look so much younger than I did...goodness. Must have looked 100...
Had some news on my digital mammogram.
Left-side naughty, wonky boob - fine.
Right side - never had a mention before - two tiny benign tumours - whooaaaa - what?? Where did they come from? When did they arrive? How long they been there? Did the chemo kill 'em off? And anyway - how do you know they are benign? I was so shocked - I only got to ask the last question - to which the response was 'well that's what the consultant radiologist gets paid £100k+ a year for - to make that judgement'. Well I hope he's made the right call - for all our sakes. Next appointment will be with the oncologist (chemo doctor) - such fun!
In my previous post, it wasn't my intention to make you
a) sad
b) feel sorry for me
c) feel guilty
d) think I'm depressed.
None of those apply.
It's hard being honest with yourself when generally you have a more positive outlook on life than some.
I've not done, (and have no intention of doing), the 'pity me', 'poor me' 'why me' routine. Had a belly-full of that from Mrs Bouquet whom we visited with the rest of Gary's family at the weekend, in memorium of my father-in-law Bill's passing (a year ago). Got to get my own chuckle tho - she's only gone and spelt Bill's name wrong on the expensive stone in the cemetery....honestly! Well that'll teach her to run things by the family (especially when we are paying) and not do things off her own back. LOL
And my precious Lily...the same day I published the last post - gave me Loveheart sweets saying...'for you' 'love you' & 'hug me'. And thanks to my hospice counselling - I now understand that when she won't get dressed by herself (which she's perfectly capable) - it's so she can really close to me. Intimate moments with her Mummy. And when I respond with 'Oh for goodness sake Lil you can do this' - it's a rejection by me - making her even sadder. And angrier. I'm learning Lily. Forgive me. But I'm still learning.
So a spiffing day today so far.
Tea, hugs, cards & pressies...West End Lion King tickets for the Gang of Three, a new pet by way of a Venus Fly Trap...just watching it squeeze a wasp as we speak, Chanel Allure etc.
An 'offical' day off (also know as a 'can't be arsed day' or a 'riffy day').
M&S Chinese & hot choc pud with cream & wine tonight.
Lovely....
Happy Birthday
To me!
Monday, 3 September 2012
Own up....
By not writing my blog for a while - I've kind of been avoiding myself - if that is at all possible?
My blog is me.
Searingly honest.
Occasionally witty.
And just plain daft.
So why avoid myself?
Because if I tell you how it really is - then it's in black and white - and then I have to own up to my real feelings and expectations. And other people's perceptions...
You see, with the help of the professionals at the hospice, hospital and GP's, I am beginning to understand why I feel so rubbish. So tired. So much in pain. So down. And it's because I'M NOT BETTER YET!
There.
I've said it out loud.
Subconsciously, I had set personal goals. I inadvertently ruined Lily's 6 week school summer holiday last year, by finding cancer on day one of the holiday. So I was determined to make up for it this year. In my mind, I had all sorts planned. I purchased a bike - with visions of Lily & I cycling the Tarka Trail - with a picnic & a flask. We bought Lily a garden trampoline - so she could bounce to her heart's content. I would take her to the beach; for days out; to the museum; to the cinema etc etc etc. It would be an Enid Blyton style summer holiday - an adventure with lashings of ginger beer. The reality has been somewhat different. Nothing prepared me for those first 10 days of Lily breaking up from school. She was tired. Quarrelsome. Contradictory. Lonely. Bored. Her two good friends were away long term, and I just couldn't provide the full on 'entertainment' package that school had led her to believe that I would. At first - it was hot. Too hot for the trampoline. Then it was wet. Too wet for the trampoline. Too wet for bike rides & picnics. Too wet for a day at the beach. And Mummy was struggling. Big time. And Mummy was too proud to ask for help - from other friends - who would probably have willingly helped - because the perception was clear.
I've grown some hair. It's been a year. I must be better.
Well I'm not.
And Lily is angry with me for that.
And that breaks my heart.
I know she doesn't realise that she was my reason for wanting to live & fight the 'bugger' cancer.
I know she doesn't understand that each time she screams 'I hate you' in my face; or refuses to do as she's told; or has a meltdown over the wrong pair of socks; or says 'Yuck!' to a perfectly good home-cooked dinner; or cries so loudly near an open window, that I fear next-door neighbours will call in Social Services; or phones Granny-Mo to complain about the 'worst Mummy in the world' - that she wears me out just that little bit more. Zaps the seemingly little energy I actually have.
I can hardly turn round & say - 'Well if that's the thanks I get for surviving this far - I wish I hadn't bothered' - cos in truth, that's how I feel sometimes.
I've been waiting for that 'Tah Dah!!' moment - the 'Hey - I survived!!' moment. The Epiphany.
And it hasn't happened.
Yet.
Because I haven't got there.
Yet.
No - I'm not in remission.
No - I'm not better.
Yet
And (according to my medical professionals & my hospice team) - who said I would be?
Who told you that?
Who has the rule book entitled: 'The Time It Takes To Recover From Aggressive Treatment For A Sub-type Of Breast Cancer We Don't Know Enough About And We Haven't Developed The Drug To Keep It At Bay Yet?'
Mmmhhhm?
Who said that Jane??
Perception.
Mine
and Yours
And while I'm ranting - if anyone has read the really crap article in the October edition of Good Housekeeping - page 102 - on breast cancer - DO NOT TAKE IT'S ADVICE. A woman there says how to handle a friend - just like me - when they are going through this. Well - I say back to her - my friends can cry if they want to - they are human; they can invade; they absolutely MUST send thoughts by post or text or anyway they like - (your amazing messages, funny cards, daft gifts have kept me going day by day); do offer prayers if you want - any denomination will do - I'm not fussy!; do ask if you can help and do pretend we look good with a bald head, silly hats, bloated body, scars, tattooed eyebrows and the lovely yellow tinge the chemo brings etc.
And I shall be writing to the Editor complain
Of course!
Oooooh - is that the real Jane fighting back?
Maybe.....
Just a little.......
Go girl! Keep on fighting love.
It WILL be worth it some day.
My blog is me.
Searingly honest.
Occasionally witty.
And just plain daft.
So why avoid myself?
Because if I tell you how it really is - then it's in black and white - and then I have to own up to my real feelings and expectations. And other people's perceptions...
You see, with the help of the professionals at the hospice, hospital and GP's, I am beginning to understand why I feel so rubbish. So tired. So much in pain. So down. And it's because I'M NOT BETTER YET!
There.
I've said it out loud.
Subconsciously, I had set personal goals. I inadvertently ruined Lily's 6 week school summer holiday last year, by finding cancer on day one of the holiday. So I was determined to make up for it this year. In my mind, I had all sorts planned. I purchased a bike - with visions of Lily & I cycling the Tarka Trail - with a picnic & a flask. We bought Lily a garden trampoline - so she could bounce to her heart's content. I would take her to the beach; for days out; to the museum; to the cinema etc etc etc. It would be an Enid Blyton style summer holiday - an adventure with lashings of ginger beer. The reality has been somewhat different. Nothing prepared me for those first 10 days of Lily breaking up from school. She was tired. Quarrelsome. Contradictory. Lonely. Bored. Her two good friends were away long term, and I just couldn't provide the full on 'entertainment' package that school had led her to believe that I would. At first - it was hot. Too hot for the trampoline. Then it was wet. Too wet for the trampoline. Too wet for bike rides & picnics. Too wet for a day at the beach. And Mummy was struggling. Big time. And Mummy was too proud to ask for help - from other friends - who would probably have willingly helped - because the perception was clear.
I've grown some hair. It's been a year. I must be better.
Well I'm not.
And Lily is angry with me for that.
And that breaks my heart.
I know she doesn't realise that she was my reason for wanting to live & fight the 'bugger' cancer.
I know she doesn't understand that each time she screams 'I hate you' in my face; or refuses to do as she's told; or has a meltdown over the wrong pair of socks; or says 'Yuck!' to a perfectly good home-cooked dinner; or cries so loudly near an open window, that I fear next-door neighbours will call in Social Services; or phones Granny-Mo to complain about the 'worst Mummy in the world' - that she wears me out just that little bit more. Zaps the seemingly little energy I actually have.
I can hardly turn round & say - 'Well if that's the thanks I get for surviving this far - I wish I hadn't bothered' - cos in truth, that's how I feel sometimes.
I've been waiting for that 'Tah Dah!!' moment - the 'Hey - I survived!!' moment. The Epiphany.
And it hasn't happened.
Yet.
Because I haven't got there.
Yet.
No - I'm not in remission.
No - I'm not better.
Yet
And (according to my medical professionals & my hospice team) - who said I would be?
Who told you that?
Who has the rule book entitled: 'The Time It Takes To Recover From Aggressive Treatment For A Sub-type Of Breast Cancer We Don't Know Enough About And We Haven't Developed The Drug To Keep It At Bay Yet?'
Mmmhhhm?
Who said that Jane??
Perception.
Mine
and Yours
And while I'm ranting - if anyone has read the really crap article in the October edition of Good Housekeeping - page 102 - on breast cancer - DO NOT TAKE IT'S ADVICE. A woman there says how to handle a friend - just like me - when they are going through this. Well - I say back to her - my friends can cry if they want to - they are human; they can invade; they absolutely MUST send thoughts by post or text or anyway they like - (your amazing messages, funny cards, daft gifts have kept me going day by day); do offer prayers if you want - any denomination will do - I'm not fussy!; do ask if you can help and do pretend we look good with a bald head, silly hats, bloated body, scars, tattooed eyebrows and the lovely yellow tinge the chemo brings etc.
And I shall be writing to the Editor complain
Of course!
Oooooh - is that the real Jane fighting back?
Maybe.....
Just a little.......
Go girl! Keep on fighting love.
It WILL be worth it some day.
Friday, 27 July 2012
One year on...
Incredible really.
It's exactly one year since I was diagnosed with cancer.
One whole year.
365 days.
So how's it been?
Hard work
At times, torturous
Lonely
But...
Enlightening
Funny
Mad
Thought provoking
Friendship making
Friendship testing
Parental needing
Family consolidating
Redefining.....me
Redefining.....my love for my husband
Redefining.....motherhood
Appreciation for acts of kindness and support, big and small
Even with a wonky boob
Even with uber cool short hair
Even with no tolerance to the sun in a British heatwave
Even with mega fatigue
Even with aching limbs
Even with the loss of short term memory (Is Winston Churchill still Prime Minister?)
Glad to be alive
Glad to be me
This anniversary of sorts has caught me wrong-footed. Up until the past week or so, I've been slowly getting back on an even keel. The fatigue still comes as a shock. I can have a couple of good days when it's easy to forget the past year then SLAP...I get knocked down as if I've been smacked by a big wet fish. And even then I think, " C'mon Jane. Get a move on. What's up with you today? - you lazy so & so..."
I saw My Surgeon two weeks ago. Just for fun - I wore my lucky magenta twin set again. He was pleased with his scalpel wielding skills. My scars have healed well from a surgical point of view. But he made no comment on my magenta bra & knickers. And if my digital mammogram, booked for August 1st, shows clear - then he's offered some reconstruction of the offending boob. Some liposuction from my tummy, to inject into & fill the gaps of wonky boob. Cool! I shall of course be offering up my thighs & bum for extra supplies of lipo - and all other volunteers - please form an orderly queue behind me! According to My Surgeon, it was all going 'According to plan'. Quite who's plan he was on about - I've no idea.
So just as I'm pretending to be normal - as my hair looks less like a cancer patient & more like a short purposeful pixie-cut - someone has chucked a trawler full of fish in my direction. I haven't felt right all week. Now it's probably a combination of it being a) too hot; b) Lily on school holidays - so I'm having no rest at all; c) the super steroid jab I had 3 months ago wearing off; d) just the thought of exercising - I've bought a bike, been to look round a gym, and go watch Lily in her swimming lessons....
So what's the solution? a) Good old British weather...it's be raining & cold next week; b) Anyone want to borrow Lily for a day? c) Another 'prick up the rear' d) Sit down & watch the Olympics....let someone else take the strain. Yep that'll do it. Sorted.
So - Happy 1st Anniversary
One year down.
Four to go
And then I can say
I'm a cancer survivor
Yipeeee!
It's exactly one year since I was diagnosed with cancer.
One whole year.
365 days.
So how's it been?
Hard work
At times, torturous
Lonely
But...
Enlightening
Funny
Mad
Thought provoking
Friendship making
Friendship testing
Parental needing
Family consolidating
Redefining.....me
Redefining.....my love for my husband
Redefining.....motherhood
Appreciation for acts of kindness and support, big and small
Even with a wonky boob
Even with uber cool short hair
Even with no tolerance to the sun in a British heatwave
Even with mega fatigue
Even with aching limbs
Even with the loss of short term memory (Is Winston Churchill still Prime Minister?)
Glad to be alive
Glad to be me
This anniversary of sorts has caught me wrong-footed. Up until the past week or so, I've been slowly getting back on an even keel. The fatigue still comes as a shock. I can have a couple of good days when it's easy to forget the past year then SLAP...I get knocked down as if I've been smacked by a big wet fish. And even then I think, " C'mon Jane. Get a move on. What's up with you today? - you lazy so & so..."
I saw My Surgeon two weeks ago. Just for fun - I wore my lucky magenta twin set again. He was pleased with his scalpel wielding skills. My scars have healed well from a surgical point of view. But he made no comment on my magenta bra & knickers. And if my digital mammogram, booked for August 1st, shows clear - then he's offered some reconstruction of the offending boob. Some liposuction from my tummy, to inject into & fill the gaps of wonky boob. Cool! I shall of course be offering up my thighs & bum for extra supplies of lipo - and all other volunteers - please form an orderly queue behind me! According to My Surgeon, it was all going 'According to plan'. Quite who's plan he was on about - I've no idea.
So just as I'm pretending to be normal - as my hair looks less like a cancer patient & more like a short purposeful pixie-cut - someone has chucked a trawler full of fish in my direction. I haven't felt right all week. Now it's probably a combination of it being a) too hot; b) Lily on school holidays - so I'm having no rest at all; c) the super steroid jab I had 3 months ago wearing off; d) just the thought of exercising - I've bought a bike, been to look round a gym, and go watch Lily in her swimming lessons....
So what's the solution? a) Good old British weather...it's be raining & cold next week; b) Anyone want to borrow Lily for a day? c) Another 'prick up the rear' d) Sit down & watch the Olympics....let someone else take the strain. Yep that'll do it. Sorted.
So - Happy 1st Anniversary
One year down.
Four to go
And then I can say
I'm a cancer survivor
Yipeeee!
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Special days
Wake up!
It's my birthday!
And so it was. My gorgeous, reason for living, little girl's 7th birthday.
Presents appeared. Masses of wrapping paper and cards strewn on our giant bed.
Mermaid Barbie.
Talking boyfriend Ken.
Moshi monsters
You name it. They were all in our bed!
When we finally emerged - Lily declared a 'Pyjama Day!' - and so, with her new butterfly PJ's on she practised what she had preached.
Earlier in the week I had asked what she would like for a special birthday dinner - as her party wasn't til the following day.
Pizza?
Chicken nuggets?
No.
Not our Lily.
Mussels to start with please Mummy, then rare steak, and we'll have profiteroles for dessert.
And can we have Shloer to drink?
The next day - party day. Great excitement all round.
Lily had invited 14 friends to the Quince Honey Farm. An hour & half play in the indoor soft-play/climbing zone. Face painting (by yours truly - I quickly taught myself a bumble bee & a spider!). A party tea. And the arrival of my epic home-made bee-hive shaped cake - complete with sugar bees, and a honey-comb (courtesy of Cadbury's Crunchy Bars!) topping. Marvellous! The children were all delightful. They all had great fun. No injuries, no fights, and no tears.....
Gary & celebrated our 12th Wedding Anniversary.
It was quite poignant. We were glad that we could celebrate together. That I'm still here.
Out of the blue - Gary decided to take me away for a luxury weekend.
And boy - what an amazing time we had.
A suite, overlooking the sea at the St Moritz Hotel in Cornwall.
Full use of pool & Cowshed spa
A couples massage & facial
Champagne
Exquisite Dinner
A toast - to each other for surviving....
Emperor bed, etc, etc, etc
A weekend to remember.....
Thank you Gary G.
For everything. x
It's my birthday!
And so it was. My gorgeous, reason for living, little girl's 7th birthday.
Presents appeared. Masses of wrapping paper and cards strewn on our giant bed.
Mermaid Barbie.
Talking boyfriend Ken.
Moshi monsters
You name it. They were all in our bed!
When we finally emerged - Lily declared a 'Pyjama Day!' - and so, with her new butterfly PJ's on she practised what she had preached.
Earlier in the week I had asked what she would like for a special birthday dinner - as her party wasn't til the following day.
Pizza?
Chicken nuggets?
No.
Not our Lily.
Mussels to start with please Mummy, then rare steak, and we'll have profiteroles for dessert.
And can we have Shloer to drink?
The next day - party day. Great excitement all round.
Lily had invited 14 friends to the Quince Honey Farm. An hour & half play in the indoor soft-play/climbing zone. Face painting (by yours truly - I quickly taught myself a bumble bee & a spider!). A party tea. And the arrival of my epic home-made bee-hive shaped cake - complete with sugar bees, and a honey-comb (courtesy of Cadbury's Crunchy Bars!) topping. Marvellous! The children were all delightful. They all had great fun. No injuries, no fights, and no tears.....
Gary & celebrated our 12th Wedding Anniversary.
It was quite poignant. We were glad that we could celebrate together. That I'm still here.
Out of the blue - Gary decided to take me away for a luxury weekend.
And boy - what an amazing time we had.
A suite, overlooking the sea at the St Moritz Hotel in Cornwall.
Full use of pool & Cowshed spa
A couples massage & facial
Champagne
Exquisite Dinner
A toast - to each other for surviving....
Emperor bed, etc, etc, etc
A weekend to remember.....
Thank you Gary G.
For everything. x
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Lily's View....
Lily: 'It's nearly my birthday!'
Me: 'It certainly is'
Lily: 'This time last year, Mummy, we were in Turkey'
Me: 'Yes. That's right, my lovely. We were.'
Lily: 'And I had my sixth birthday in Turkey.'
Me: 'You did'
Lily: 'So we went to Turkey for my birthday'
Me: 'Yes, we did'
Lily: 'So it's my fault you got cancer.......cos if we hadn't gone to Turkey for my birthday, you wouldn't have caught cancer there, and you wouldn't be poorly. It's all my fault'
No, no, no, no, no.........
Heartbreaking - isn't it?
Just when you think life's getting back on an even keel.
So that'll be Turkey ruled out as a future holiday destination then!! Lol.
Me: 'It certainly is'
Lily: 'This time last year, Mummy, we were in Turkey'
Me: 'Yes. That's right, my lovely. We were.'
Lily: 'And I had my sixth birthday in Turkey.'
Me: 'You did'
Lily: 'So we went to Turkey for my birthday'
Me: 'Yes, we did'
Lily: 'So it's my fault you got cancer.......cos if we hadn't gone to Turkey for my birthday, you wouldn't have caught cancer there, and you wouldn't be poorly. It's all my fault'
No, no, no, no, no.........
Heartbreaking - isn't it?
Just when you think life's getting back on an even keel.
So that'll be Turkey ruled out as a future holiday destination then!! Lol.
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Normality......
It's OK folks.
I'm still here.
Please don't worry.
Suffering from writers block......
Or have I just been too busy getting on with it?
I'm being checked on every 2 weeks at the moment, and that's OK too. Four weeks ago I got a shot of super steroids (a prick up the rear!.....[the old ones are always the best]) - and although its taken about 3 weeks to work - I feel really great! The stiffness in my hands has all but disappeared, the pain in my right arm has improved, and I generally feel really good! I do get tired still, and know when I've done 'too much' as I feel 'chemo-y' and oddly, very cold. Yes - I'm the one who still puts an electric blanket on in the heatwave! My last blood tests have all come back within normal ranges & my latest X-rays show a degenerative spine - wear & tear - but no cancer in that area. Great news. My 'biggie' appointment is set for July 5th.......deep breath.
So the Jubilee is upon us!
It's all looking rather patriotic round here. The local pub is festooned in red, white & blue, as are many cottages nearby. Even I've succumbed to some bunting & flags in the house to keep young Lily happy. And there's the Jubilee Clift Bash to look forward to.The whole family, my brother and two sisters & families, and us, and Aunty Jean are all descending on my amazing Mum & Dad for some rain soaked Pimms, whole salmon and a myriad of desserts & cakes.
Tuesday 12th June
Well - come last Wednesday night - I was entirely Jubilee'd out. After an entertaining, if wet, day at Mum & Dad's on Tuesday - the freak show being provided by ones older sister's family - we then had a super lunch at Saunton Sands (The Sands Cafe) on Wednesday. A complete swing on the weather front, allowed Lily & I to frolic in the sand for a brief moment. And laugh. Everything was funny. Really funny.
So - by living it up for the past week - then end result was having 'done too much'. I battled with a migraine - giving in to good old Sumatriptan by Friday night - feeling the relief by Saturday. But that's not all. On Friday afternoon - I went for my first HAIRCUT! Well - I say haircut - more a 2mm trim over my ears and a little shaping on my neck to prevent the 'old bloke needs a haircut/ fuzzy neck' look! But I am thrilled with my hair growth. Medium blonde (OK - with a little help from John Frieda Lightening Blonde shampoo), a natural wave that I've never experienced before - unless accompanied by rollers & perming lotion - and I've got a definite Kylie 'post-chemo' look. It's great! And so time saving. No extensive washing/conditioning routine. No 10 minute drying efforts. And no 15 minute GHD straightening/preening/glossing/hair spraying/checking/rechecking routines. Cool! And now, I can do sleek or punk. A whole new look! Marvellous dahhrling - simply marvellous.
And whilst this may not seem very exciting - I have made some good recovery points...for instance....
Using the Dyson for the first time last week
Doing my own ironing
Attempting to build an Ikea flat-pack unit for Lily's bedroom
Having my summer pedicure
Going to the supermarket
Agreeing to organise Lily's birthday party......
Ah yes. My Lily will be 7 on Saturday. We were in Turkey last year on holiday last year on her sixth birthday. Oblivious to the fact that I had cancer.....
We've agreed to a 14 child adventure at the local Honey Farm. Alongside real live bees, leaf eating ants & creepy-crawlies, there is a fab indoor soft play area with tons of climbing , swinging & sliding. A party tea, balloons & cake. The cake to be made by me - on orders from Lily. A 'Honey Bee' cake, with flowers, bees & honeycomb. I'm also doing face painting - although have only taught myself a bee & a spider!! But I have said 'no' to a girls sleep-over that night. 'Mummy just hasn't got quite enough energy for that at the moment Lil', I say sadly. 'S'alright Mum - we'll do it in the summer when you're really better'.
What a lovely girl.
My girl.
My reason for living & smiling.
For whom I refuse to leave this earth.
Not yet - at least. xx
I'm still here.
Please don't worry.
Suffering from writers block......
Or have I just been too busy getting on with it?
I'm being checked on every 2 weeks at the moment, and that's OK too. Four weeks ago I got a shot of super steroids (a prick up the rear!.....[the old ones are always the best]) - and although its taken about 3 weeks to work - I feel really great! The stiffness in my hands has all but disappeared, the pain in my right arm has improved, and I generally feel really good! I do get tired still, and know when I've done 'too much' as I feel 'chemo-y' and oddly, very cold. Yes - I'm the one who still puts an electric blanket on in the heatwave! My last blood tests have all come back within normal ranges & my latest X-rays show a degenerative spine - wear & tear - but no cancer in that area. Great news. My 'biggie' appointment is set for July 5th.......deep breath.
So the Jubilee is upon us!
It's all looking rather patriotic round here. The local pub is festooned in red, white & blue, as are many cottages nearby. Even I've succumbed to some bunting & flags in the house to keep young Lily happy. And there's the Jubilee Clift Bash to look forward to.The whole family, my brother and two sisters & families, and us, and Aunty Jean are all descending on my amazing Mum & Dad for some rain soaked Pimms, whole salmon and a myriad of desserts & cakes.
Tuesday 12th June
Well - come last Wednesday night - I was entirely Jubilee'd out. After an entertaining, if wet, day at Mum & Dad's on Tuesday - the freak show being provided by ones older sister's family - we then had a super lunch at Saunton Sands (The Sands Cafe) on Wednesday. A complete swing on the weather front, allowed Lily & I to frolic in the sand for a brief moment. And laugh. Everything was funny. Really funny.
So - by living it up for the past week - then end result was having 'done too much'. I battled with a migraine - giving in to good old Sumatriptan by Friday night - feeling the relief by Saturday. But that's not all. On Friday afternoon - I went for my first HAIRCUT! Well - I say haircut - more a 2mm trim over my ears and a little shaping on my neck to prevent the 'old bloke needs a haircut/ fuzzy neck' look! But I am thrilled with my hair growth. Medium blonde (OK - with a little help from John Frieda Lightening Blonde shampoo), a natural wave that I've never experienced before - unless accompanied by rollers & perming lotion - and I've got a definite Kylie 'post-chemo' look. It's great! And so time saving. No extensive washing/conditioning routine. No 10 minute drying efforts. And no 15 minute GHD straightening/preening/glossing/hair spraying/checking/rechecking routines. Cool! And now, I can do sleek or punk. A whole new look! Marvellous dahhrling - simply marvellous.
And whilst this may not seem very exciting - I have made some good recovery points...for instance....
Using the Dyson for the first time last week
Doing my own ironing
Attempting to build an Ikea flat-pack unit for Lily's bedroom
Having my summer pedicure
Going to the supermarket
Agreeing to organise Lily's birthday party......
Ah yes. My Lily will be 7 on Saturday. We were in Turkey last year on holiday last year on her sixth birthday. Oblivious to the fact that I had cancer.....
We've agreed to a 14 child adventure at the local Honey Farm. Alongside real live bees, leaf eating ants & creepy-crawlies, there is a fab indoor soft play area with tons of climbing , swinging & sliding. A party tea, balloons & cake. The cake to be made by me - on orders from Lily. A 'Honey Bee' cake, with flowers, bees & honeycomb. I'm also doing face painting - although have only taught myself a bee & a spider!! But I have said 'no' to a girls sleep-over that night. 'Mummy just hasn't got quite enough energy for that at the moment Lil', I say sadly. 'S'alright Mum - we'll do it in the summer when you're really better'.
What a lovely girl.
My girl.
My reason for living & smiling.
For whom I refuse to leave this earth.
Not yet - at least. xx
Monday, 23 April 2012
Mad as a Hatter!
Might I say - I think you've all gone mad?
Firstly, my VBF and Godson run 10k and raise over £600 for my chosen charities of the North Devon Hospice and the new Chemo Unit at NDDH.
Then VBF's husband runs 26.2 miles in the London Marathon yesterday. He had a sign on his back 'In celebration of Jane'.......raising over £1400 so far and counting - for Cancer Research UK.
And then, two good friends Erica & Khadine, are jumping out of a plane, 15000ft up - sky-diving - and calling it 'Jump-for-Jane' - to raise money for the new Chemo Unit at NDDH....click on: Jump-for-Jane. Now the North Devon Journal - our local rag - have picked up on this and are doing an article on us, plus photo! Oooo-er missus - we'll be famous at last!
But I am humbled.
Seriously.
You see - I didn't choose to do anything courageous or brave.
I was simply given the disease, offered the treatment, and got on with it.
I had to.
Didn't I?
Well - I suppose I could've said no - but this isn't EastEnders or Holby City - it's real life.
And that's what I've been aiming for.
A bit more life.
Whilst the treatments for the Triple-Negative cancer I have, are complete, there is now a period of recovery...and a long period of 'wait and see'. We know this sub-type of cancer is notorious at returning within the first two years after treatment, and onwards up to five years after. However, after five years - my chances are as good as anybody else with breast cancer.
So whilst I think you are all mad doing amazing charitable things - and madder still all my wonderful friends old & new and my family for sponsoring these fantastic feats - I am secretly very proud and relieved. Because I may need all these services again one day...and you will all know you did your very best to help me.
So Thank you.
Thank you from the heart of my bottom (!)
You are ALL incredible.
My appointment with the Radiotherapy Oncologist went well last week. The site of the treatment looks good - and he was happy that I had had all my treatment with no major side effects. I'm still massively tired - like an old fogey - no actually most of the old fogeys I know at the moment - are fitter than me! But very stiff in the mornings, achy, flu-like, joint ache etc. It is being investigated - something rheumatoid perhaps? - and I mustn't grumble. More than likely post chemo though & not post radio. And maybe it's early days yet? Perhaps that's why I cant get signed back on to work for at least another 6 months? Perhaps these medical professionals DO actually know what they're talking about? And perhaps I'm just being impatient....
We've taken the house off the market for the time-being. Apart from the first place we put an offer on, we just can't find anywhere as lovely as we're in now. Gary put it quite succinctly - 'there's so much of you here - I'd be sad to leave it'. So, at that - I've come up with a long-term plan, that Gary can get his head around, and we sit tight. So it might be 100 ways with beans and pasta for the next few years......and I'm not saying we won't go down this route ever again - but for now - we stay.
And I'm glad.
Getting the house ready each time for a viewing was physically exhausting.
And mentally sad.
For me...
For Gary....
And for my lovely Lily.....
Yes my darling daughter - you can have ALL your toys back now
All over the place
Ah...such fun!
Such fun!
Firstly, my VBF and Godson run 10k and raise over £600 for my chosen charities of the North Devon Hospice and the new Chemo Unit at NDDH.
Then VBF's husband runs 26.2 miles in the London Marathon yesterday. He had a sign on his back 'In celebration of Jane'.......raising over £1400 so far and counting - for Cancer Research UK.
And then, two good friends Erica & Khadine, are jumping out of a plane, 15000ft up - sky-diving - and calling it 'Jump-for-Jane' - to raise money for the new Chemo Unit at NDDH....click on: Jump-for-Jane. Now the North Devon Journal - our local rag - have picked up on this and are doing an article on us, plus photo! Oooo-er missus - we'll be famous at last!
But I am humbled.
Seriously.
You see - I didn't choose to do anything courageous or brave.
I was simply given the disease, offered the treatment, and got on with it.
I had to.
Didn't I?
Well - I suppose I could've said no - but this isn't EastEnders or Holby City - it's real life.
And that's what I've been aiming for.
A bit more life.
Whilst the treatments for the Triple-Negative cancer I have, are complete, there is now a period of recovery...and a long period of 'wait and see'. We know this sub-type of cancer is notorious at returning within the first two years after treatment, and onwards up to five years after. However, after five years - my chances are as good as anybody else with breast cancer.
So whilst I think you are all mad doing amazing charitable things - and madder still all my wonderful friends old & new and my family for sponsoring these fantastic feats - I am secretly very proud and relieved. Because I may need all these services again one day...and you will all know you did your very best to help me.
So Thank you.
Thank you from the heart of my bottom (!)
You are ALL incredible.
My appointment with the Radiotherapy Oncologist went well last week. The site of the treatment looks good - and he was happy that I had had all my treatment with no major side effects. I'm still massively tired - like an old fogey - no actually most of the old fogeys I know at the moment - are fitter than me! But very stiff in the mornings, achy, flu-like, joint ache etc. It is being investigated - something rheumatoid perhaps? - and I mustn't grumble. More than likely post chemo though & not post radio. And maybe it's early days yet? Perhaps that's why I cant get signed back on to work for at least another 6 months? Perhaps these medical professionals DO actually know what they're talking about? And perhaps I'm just being impatient....
We've taken the house off the market for the time-being. Apart from the first place we put an offer on, we just can't find anywhere as lovely as we're in now. Gary put it quite succinctly - 'there's so much of you here - I'd be sad to leave it'. So, at that - I've come up with a long-term plan, that Gary can get his head around, and we sit tight. So it might be 100 ways with beans and pasta for the next few years......and I'm not saying we won't go down this route ever again - but for now - we stay.
And I'm glad.
Getting the house ready each time for a viewing was physically exhausting.
And mentally sad.
For me...
For Gary....
And for my lovely Lily.....
Yes my darling daughter - you can have ALL your toys back now
All over the place
Ah...such fun!
Such fun!
Sunday, 8 April 2012
What a week!
Indeed.
What a week!
And where to begin.
The Gang of Three embarked on a mini UK tour last Saturday.
Our primary objective was to support, watch, and 'gee-on' my VBF Julie, and my Godson Matthew, as they ran a 10k challenge race in Derby. Julie announced on Christmas Eve, that she'd started training for this run on the day I started chemo. She wanted to do something she really hated - running - while I was doing something really horrible - chemo. It was her way of supporting me.
I vowed on that day, Christmas Eve, that I would be there, watching her run.
Alive.
And well.
Julie also dedicated her efforts to raise money for the North Devon Hospice, while Matt raised money for the new Chemo Unit at the North Devon Hospital. A massive ThankYou to those who have sponsored them......to date Jules has raised over £400 and Matt over £200. And to round off their incredible achievements - hubby Marc is running in this year's London 26mile marathon, in aid of Cancer Research. He says it was me who inspired him (he must be as mad as me!).....so get sponsoring on http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/MarcDarlingVLM
So, back to Julie. We travelled from sunny Devon to freezing Market Harborough in Leicestershire. It was great to see them, although youngest son Tom, was swanning it in New York, USA. A pre-race bulk-up meal of pasta and an early night. We had a 6am start.........oh boy! Arriving at our hometown, Derby for 8.15am we assembled at DCFC's Pride Park Stadium. And it was cold. Freezing. But really exciting. Julie was nervous. Matt was calm. Cool as a cucumber...not only was it April 1st....April Fool's Day...it was also Matt's 20th Birthday. More and more people arrived. Runners of all description. Club runners, fancy dress runners, charity runners, determined runners. In the end, over 4000 runners lined up, to run the gruelling 10kilometers. We hugged, shouted and clapped as Julie and Matt passed. "Do it for me" I screamed. And to make things even more special - the original 'girl-gang', Julie, Sharon, Me, Kate & Andrea - were all there. It was truly amazing. We piled back into Pride Park, hot drink (and an enormous hot-dog for Lily!) and the first 'professional' runners were already arriving back! And it didn't seem too long until we heard the name 'Matthew Darling' as my fabulous Godson sprinted - yes sprinted - around the stadium to huge applause & cheering from our bench, in an impressive 1hour 6mins 42secs. We eventually sat down to await Julie's arrival - and we were amazed that it came only minutes later at 1hour 14mins 2secs. Julie Darling. My beautiful friend, dressed in pink, pushed herself to the limit, running all the way round the stadium. We all leaped from our seats and went to the perimeter. We shouted, and clapped, and screamed. Euphoric.
I cried.
I cried as I hugged a sweaty Matt, who had been released from the signing out zone.
I cried because all my special mates were there.
And as a flush-faced, vision in pink appeared, I hugged and cried with my very best friend - because both our ordeals were over.
And I'm proud.
So very proud of them Darlings.
Back to Market Harborough.
Celebration time.
Champagne, steak, beer, wine, G&T's, single malts.....all in there....
Next morning - headaches for some! (me excluded!)
And very stiff legs for others! (me excluded again!)
Next stop - Chester.
A flying 24hour visit to Paul, Ana & the two little ones. While we only saw the girls for an hour (Emergency flight to Mexico for them as Ana's father had taken ill) - we had a good time with Paul - catching up. I rested lots while Gary, Lily & Paul ventured out & about. A couple of lovely meals, a good nights sleep & we were back on the road. We made a stop in Long Eaton to visit Mrs Bouquet - Val - Gary's late father's girlfriend, and then onto some other good friends in Arnold.
Another catch-up, good night's sleep and off to our final destination - Aunty Jean's.
A superb lunch - as usual - followed by lots of lovely family chat.
And that was that...back on the road...to sunny Devon.
And I'm knackered. In a major way.
'Don't do too much' every one says. Well I have. I've done 'far too much'. But it was well worth it!
And I'm in pain.
I've been in pain for weeks. (Not just after doing 'far too much')
It's a sort of joint/muscular pain. Mainly affecting my arms (particularly my right side - opposite side to the tumour site), my neck, shoulders and hands. the joints in my hands hurt terribly. And I don't know what it is. But looking at the facts - I only stopped chemo 8 weeks ago - and that will stay in my body for at least 6 months. And I only finished radiotherapy 2 weeks ago - this can come with debilitating side effects.
So, luckily, I have an appointment with one of my oncologists on Thursday and can discuss with him.
That's why I'm supposed to rest, me thinks.
Rest, rest, rest.
How dull.
Give me another UK tour anytime.
Look out Long Eaton mob (Steve, Lee, Mick & Ian). You're next on the hit list!
What a week, aahhhhh, what a week!
And of course, Happy Easter!!
What a week!
And where to begin.
The Gang of Three embarked on a mini UK tour last Saturday.
Our primary objective was to support, watch, and 'gee-on' my VBF Julie, and my Godson Matthew, as they ran a 10k challenge race in Derby. Julie announced on Christmas Eve, that she'd started training for this run on the day I started chemo. She wanted to do something she really hated - running - while I was doing something really horrible - chemo. It was her way of supporting me.
I vowed on that day, Christmas Eve, that I would be there, watching her run.
Alive.
And well.
Julie also dedicated her efforts to raise money for the North Devon Hospice, while Matt raised money for the new Chemo Unit at the North Devon Hospital. A massive ThankYou to those who have sponsored them......to date Jules has raised over £400 and Matt over £200. And to round off their incredible achievements - hubby Marc is running in this year's London 26mile marathon, in aid of Cancer Research. He says it was me who inspired him (he must be as mad as me!).....so get sponsoring on http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/MarcDarlingVLM
So, back to Julie. We travelled from sunny Devon to freezing Market Harborough in Leicestershire. It was great to see them, although youngest son Tom, was swanning it in New York, USA. A pre-race bulk-up meal of pasta and an early night. We had a 6am start.........oh boy! Arriving at our hometown, Derby for 8.15am we assembled at DCFC's Pride Park Stadium. And it was cold. Freezing. But really exciting. Julie was nervous. Matt was calm. Cool as a cucumber...not only was it April 1st....April Fool's Day...it was also Matt's 20th Birthday. More and more people arrived. Runners of all description. Club runners, fancy dress runners, charity runners, determined runners. In the end, over 4000 runners lined up, to run the gruelling 10kilometers. We hugged, shouted and clapped as Julie and Matt passed. "Do it for me" I screamed. And to make things even more special - the original 'girl-gang', Julie, Sharon, Me, Kate & Andrea - were all there. It was truly amazing. We piled back into Pride Park, hot drink (and an enormous hot-dog for Lily!) and the first 'professional' runners were already arriving back! And it didn't seem too long until we heard the name 'Matthew Darling' as my fabulous Godson sprinted - yes sprinted - around the stadium to huge applause & cheering from our bench, in an impressive 1hour 6mins 42secs. We eventually sat down to await Julie's arrival - and we were amazed that it came only minutes later at 1hour 14mins 2secs. Julie Darling. My beautiful friend, dressed in pink, pushed herself to the limit, running all the way round the stadium. We all leaped from our seats and went to the perimeter. We shouted, and clapped, and screamed. Euphoric.
I cried.
I cried as I hugged a sweaty Matt, who had been released from the signing out zone.
I cried because all my special mates were there.
And as a flush-faced, vision in pink appeared, I hugged and cried with my very best friend - because both our ordeals were over.
And I'm proud.
So very proud of them Darlings.
Back to Market Harborough.
Celebration time.
Champagne, steak, beer, wine, G&T's, single malts.....all in there....
Next morning - headaches for some! (me excluded!)
And very stiff legs for others! (me excluded again!)
Next stop - Chester.
A flying 24hour visit to Paul, Ana & the two little ones. While we only saw the girls for an hour (Emergency flight to Mexico for them as Ana's father had taken ill) - we had a good time with Paul - catching up. I rested lots while Gary, Lily & Paul ventured out & about. A couple of lovely meals, a good nights sleep & we were back on the road. We made a stop in Long Eaton to visit Mrs Bouquet - Val - Gary's late father's girlfriend, and then onto some other good friends in Arnold.
Another catch-up, good night's sleep and off to our final destination - Aunty Jean's.
A superb lunch - as usual - followed by lots of lovely family chat.
And that was that...back on the road...to sunny Devon.
And I'm knackered. In a major way.
'Don't do too much' every one says. Well I have. I've done 'far too much'. But it was well worth it!
And I'm in pain.
I've been in pain for weeks. (Not just after doing 'far too much')
It's a sort of joint/muscular pain. Mainly affecting my arms (particularly my right side - opposite side to the tumour site), my neck, shoulders and hands. the joints in my hands hurt terribly. And I don't know what it is. But looking at the facts - I only stopped chemo 8 weeks ago - and that will stay in my body for at least 6 months. And I only finished radiotherapy 2 weeks ago - this can come with debilitating side effects.
So, luckily, I have an appointment with one of my oncologists on Thursday and can discuss with him.
That's why I'm supposed to rest, me thinks.
Rest, rest, rest.
How dull.
Give me another UK tour anytime.
Look out Long Eaton mob (Steve, Lee, Mick & Ian). You're next on the hit list!
What a week, aahhhhh, what a week!
And of course, Happy Easter!!
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
They think it's all over......it is now!
That's it.
All done.
20 sessions of radiotherapy, including 5 intensive electron therapies.
Finished.
Completed.
Endured.
I know I should be skipping round the room with a bottle of bolly, celebrating. But somehow I can't. Because with the completion of my last treatment, came the appointment card for my next trip to hospital.....in just three weeks time.
See, I want to say 'Hurrah! It's all over'.
But in reality it's not.
It'll never be 'over'.
This morning, Lily said, "Ooooh Mummy. No radiotherapy today. You can spend all day in your pyjamas." and yes - it was one of the loveliest things that have been said recently. And yes - it is a joy, not to travel the daily 101 miles for treatment - I am relieved and happy that part is over. And I want to thank everybody especially LeeM, Dad & Gary for providing such an excellent taxi service.
And while you're asking...I won't be told I'm in 'remission' nor will I be given the 'all-clear'. Apparently it doesn't work like that.
I shall be 'living with cancer'.
Well, let's look on the bright side...it's better than 'dying with cancer'. :-)
So. What next?
Well - the site of the radiotherapy is likely to react in around 7 - 10days. Blistering sunburn. Watch out for skin breakage & infection. Mmmmm. Nice! Internally in that area - it is a little painful. And hot. But nothing worth shouting too loudly about. I am to rest and rest some more. 'Put your feet up' - they said. Oh Lordy....not again! Ignoring all advice today - I went to get my nails done - nothing new there! And raided Holland & Barrett for some healthy gloop. Oh, didn't I mention? I've been juicing for the last few days. The chemo has really affected my digestive system and I find it really hard to eat salads, plates of vegetables, lots of fruit. In fact I struggle with anything bigger than a baby-sized portion. Chicken & meat are off the menu. Though I still have a thing for sausages..I know - not the healthiest thing on the list. So - after researching & chatting to my friend JoeyP (who has the said juicer) - I've splashed out & bought one. It's fantastic. And boy, don't I feel smug! You throw in whole unpeeled apples, chunks of pineapple, spinach, carrots, lemons, limes, oranges, broccoli, kale, cucumber, avocado. Sounds revolting..(actually it usually looks revolting - like something Shrek might drink) - but incredibly tasty. And it's jammed packed full of good stuff. So, to make it even healthier, I went to H&B for spirulina and wheat grass powder. Now I'm not suggesting this Shrek juice will keep the cancer at bay alone - but at least alongside the conventional chemical medicine, I am getting lots of vitamins, minerals & antioxidants. It cant be a bad thing. Can it? Perhaps I'll throw an aspirin in for good measure (see the press today).
And I've cooked a 10 bean & red lentil chilli for tonight. Heeheehee. Gary, the carnivore, will be SO impressed (not!). Check out the methane gas levels tonight. Nice & cheap tho. And tasty!
We've not had any takers for the house yet. But that's OK. The key time to sell is Easter - so we're ready. We lost the bungalow we put an offer on. As we hadn't sold ours - we couldn't begin the completion process. Oh well. Never mind. We'll see what comes up when ours sells. And it will.
So the next couple of days?
I'm taking Lily's advice.
A pyjama day is definitely called for.
Bliss.
With champagne?
Maybe.
Definitely maybe.....
All done.
20 sessions of radiotherapy, including 5 intensive electron therapies.
Finished.
Completed.
Endured.
I know I should be skipping round the room with a bottle of bolly, celebrating. But somehow I can't. Because with the completion of my last treatment, came the appointment card for my next trip to hospital.....in just three weeks time.
See, I want to say 'Hurrah! It's all over'.
But in reality it's not.
It'll never be 'over'.
This morning, Lily said, "Ooooh Mummy. No radiotherapy today. You can spend all day in your pyjamas." and yes - it was one of the loveliest things that have been said recently. And yes - it is a joy, not to travel the daily 101 miles for treatment - I am relieved and happy that part is over. And I want to thank everybody especially LeeM, Dad & Gary for providing such an excellent taxi service.
And while you're asking...I won't be told I'm in 'remission' nor will I be given the 'all-clear'. Apparently it doesn't work like that.
I shall be 'living with cancer'.
Well, let's look on the bright side...it's better than 'dying with cancer'. :-)
So. What next?
Well - the site of the radiotherapy is likely to react in around 7 - 10days. Blistering sunburn. Watch out for skin breakage & infection. Mmmmm. Nice! Internally in that area - it is a little painful. And hot. But nothing worth shouting too loudly about. I am to rest and rest some more. 'Put your feet up' - they said. Oh Lordy....not again! Ignoring all advice today - I went to get my nails done - nothing new there! And raided Holland & Barrett for some healthy gloop. Oh, didn't I mention? I've been juicing for the last few days. The chemo has really affected my digestive system and I find it really hard to eat salads, plates of vegetables, lots of fruit. In fact I struggle with anything bigger than a baby-sized portion. Chicken & meat are off the menu. Though I still have a thing for sausages..I know - not the healthiest thing on the list. So - after researching & chatting to my friend JoeyP (who has the said juicer) - I've splashed out & bought one. It's fantastic. And boy, don't I feel smug! You throw in whole unpeeled apples, chunks of pineapple, spinach, carrots, lemons, limes, oranges, broccoli, kale, cucumber, avocado. Sounds revolting..(actually it usually looks revolting - like something Shrek might drink) - but incredibly tasty. And it's jammed packed full of good stuff. So, to make it even healthier, I went to H&B for spirulina and wheat grass powder. Now I'm not suggesting this Shrek juice will keep the cancer at bay alone - but at least alongside the conventional chemical medicine, I am getting lots of vitamins, minerals & antioxidants. It cant be a bad thing. Can it? Perhaps I'll throw an aspirin in for good measure (see the press today).
And I've cooked a 10 bean & red lentil chilli for tonight. Heeheehee. Gary, the carnivore, will be SO impressed (not!). Check out the methane gas levels tonight. Nice & cheap tho. And tasty!
We've not had any takers for the house yet. But that's OK. The key time to sell is Easter - so we're ready. We lost the bungalow we put an offer on. As we hadn't sold ours - we couldn't begin the completion process. Oh well. Never mind. We'll see what comes up when ours sells. And it will.
So the next couple of days?
I'm taking Lily's advice.
A pyjama day is definitely called for.
Bliss.
With champagne?
Maybe.
Definitely maybe.....
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Lucky 13
Yes.
It's true.
13 radiotherapy sessions completed.....only 7 to go.
And I do feel lucky.
I feel lucky because I keep meeting up with people who have terrible tales to tell of their own cancer experiences. I'm the only patient - thus far - that I have met while in Exeter for this round of treatment, who had their diagnosis & main treatment at the local North Devon District Hospital. And as we swap stories, while waiting to be zapped, there is a general disbelief at the speed of my diagnosis and subsequent treatment. Much of the horror stories lie with the GP's misdiagnosis/'go away it's nothing' attitude, and then varying quality of treatment at their local hospitals.
I truly cannot fault my own treatment.
And I thank God everyday that my GP recognised that something was wrong when I went to see her.
She saved my life.
And I have told her so.
I am lucky.
I am also sprouting!
Oh yes indeedy.
There is a noticeable fuzz going on where my hair used to be. At first I was sprouting white - yes - white tufts. For a natural blonde - this was quite a shock. "Will you paint it yellow?" Lily asked. Too right I will - I thought. Now, interspersed with white is a darker colour. Black - Lily says. Ouch! I'm personally going for dark blonde! It looks utterly ridiculous! But I can get a lather going on it when washing with Johnson's Baby Shampoo. Oh the joys.....
No takers on the house yet. We're still getting viewings though. It seems that everybody likes the bungalow very much, but the garden apparently not quite big enough. Well there's nothing we can do about that. It'll be the right size, one day, for somebody. The agents are getting anxious already & fear we may lose the other bungalow we have offered on. But- you know what. If we do - we do. I can't be bothered to lose sleep over it. It's just a house. There will be others.
See, that's what having cancer does to you.
It makes you realise what's important & what's not.
And who is important to you & who is not.
Cancer makes you sort the wheat from the chaff.....
And it's a great feeling.
So I still feel lucky.....
With my bag of wheat.
It's true.
13 radiotherapy sessions completed.....only 7 to go.
And I do feel lucky.
I feel lucky because I keep meeting up with people who have terrible tales to tell of their own cancer experiences. I'm the only patient - thus far - that I have met while in Exeter for this round of treatment, who had their diagnosis & main treatment at the local North Devon District Hospital. And as we swap stories, while waiting to be zapped, there is a general disbelief at the speed of my diagnosis and subsequent treatment. Much of the horror stories lie with the GP's misdiagnosis/'go away it's nothing' attitude, and then varying quality of treatment at their local hospitals.
I truly cannot fault my own treatment.
And I thank God everyday that my GP recognised that something was wrong when I went to see her.
She saved my life.
And I have told her so.
I am lucky.
I am also sprouting!
Oh yes indeedy.
There is a noticeable fuzz going on where my hair used to be. At first I was sprouting white - yes - white tufts. For a natural blonde - this was quite a shock. "Will you paint it yellow?" Lily asked. Too right I will - I thought. Now, interspersed with white is a darker colour. Black - Lily says. Ouch! I'm personally going for dark blonde! It looks utterly ridiculous! But I can get a lather going on it when washing with Johnson's Baby Shampoo. Oh the joys.....
No takers on the house yet. We're still getting viewings though. It seems that everybody likes the bungalow very much, but the garden apparently not quite big enough. Well there's nothing we can do about that. It'll be the right size, one day, for somebody. The agents are getting anxious already & fear we may lose the other bungalow we have offered on. But- you know what. If we do - we do. I can't be bothered to lose sleep over it. It's just a house. There will be others.
See, that's what having cancer does to you.
It makes you realise what's important & what's not.
And who is important to you & who is not.
Cancer makes you sort the wheat from the chaff.....
And it's a great feeling.
So I still feel lucky.....
With my bag of wheat.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
My day...
I went to my salon yesterday after treatment, for my manicure.
A total stranger, with an armful of fresh flowers came up to me - gave me the flowers & said "you look like you need these more than me - I know, you know."
I was completely taken aback.
Either I looked particularly shite yesterday (!) or she sussed me out and showed me great kindness.
Thank you to that lady.
You made my day xx
A total stranger, with an armful of fresh flowers came up to me - gave me the flowers & said "you look like you need these more than me - I know, you know."
I was completely taken aback.
Either I looked particularly shite yesterday (!) or she sussed me out and showed me great kindness.
Thank you to that lady.
You made my day xx
Zapped
I'm counting again.
No, not in my profession - but counting the days, ticking them off one by one, as the radiotherapy sessions go by.
Had my first last Monday 20th. A good friend/neighbour of ours, decided that taking me to my sessions each Monday morning, was far more preferable than going to work! Another male car enthusiast - I learnt about drifting, sliding, and how to make your tyres smoke and burn on an empty airfield. An hour and 10mins to the hospital.
Announcing my arrival, I sat & waited in the brand new Oncology unit at the Royal Devon & Exeter, in their Radiotherapy suite. A bright new modern addition to the hospital. I look around. I am the youngest in the room - yet again. The average age I put at 72. A lot of men in their late 60's and 70's. A few old dears in their 70's & 80's. A couple of ladies late 50's. And me.
I play, 'Guess who's wearing a wig?'. I can only see one contender. And even then - I'm not sure... a grey short number...or perhaps she's got really nice hair. I play 'Which part of the body are you having zapped today?'. One chap is obvious. A huge scar around his throat. Throat cancer or suchlike. Some of the candidates don't change into a popping semi gown. I guess their zapping is more accessible.
After a short wait - I'm called through.
A quick change into the said gown...heck....I'm freezing. Mental note...bring a woolly to wrap around.
Another short wait - and then into the special room. A room of lasers, monstrous equipment, and a very hard bed - set up for me, resembling a torture chamber. The equipment reminds me of a giant hippopotamus - with his jaws wide open. I'm strapped to the the extremely uncomfortable bed - with my left arm tied behind my head. Lights off. Green lasers are beamed onto me - following the positions of my tattoos on my wonky boob. Some adjustments are made. The staff leave the room & I am to keep very still. Some beeping & noises for a couple of minutes & part one is complete. The staff re-enter the suite & set about phase two. The hippo now turns on its side & attacks me from a different angle. A longer session this time - but soon over.
So - this is repeated every day for 4 weeks. A breeze.
So I thought.
For the first two days - I was very sick after treatment. Couldn't keep anything down.
More anti-emetics given by the hospital & we got it under control.
Disappointed? You bet.
But I got through the week.
This week has been better. No more sickness - but the tiredness is certainly starting to bite - (as is the sunburn!). It could be the travel. The boring endless travel. Or - of course - I'm not actually getting much time to rest. I leave at 9.30am & return at 1pm-ish. Have lunch & then it's Lily time. I miss my leisurely mornings!
Still. 8 sessions down.
12 to go.
A house to sell.
5 viewings.
No offers.
Yet.
The weather is lovely.
The snowdrops & crocuses are out.
The daffodils are on their way.
We'll be in full bloom.
Soon.
Easter is the peak time to sell your house.....
And we're ready!
Beautiful bungalow for sale........
Any takers?
So - this is repeated every day for 4 weeks. A breeze.
So I thought.
For the first two days - I was very sick after treatment. Couldn't keep anything down.
More anti-emetics given by the hospital & we got it under control.
Disappointed? You bet.
But I got through the week.
This week has been better. No more sickness - but the tiredness is certainly starting to bite - (as is the sunburn!). It could be the travel. The boring endless travel. Or - of course - I'm not actually getting much time to rest. I leave at 9.30am & return at 1pm-ish. Have lunch & then it's Lily time. I miss my leisurely mornings!
Still. 8 sessions down.
12 to go.
A house to sell.
5 viewings.
No offers.
Yet.
The weather is lovely.
The snowdrops & crocuses are out.
The daffodils are on their way.
We'll be in full bloom.
Soon.
Easter is the peak time to sell your house.....
And we're ready!
Beautiful bungalow for sale........
Any takers?
Saturday, 18 February 2012
Home is where the heart is....
It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings....
I'm not singing....
I'm so tired that I feel positively ill. I kidded myself that three weeks after the last chemo - I would be back to normal. Yeah! Right! I think I know now, why the consultant has signed me off for a year. It's not just tiredness - I can still taste the chemo; I can still feel it humming through my body; the drugs are still very much in there. And I start 4 weeks intensive radiotherapy on Monday. Oooh la la!
Mind you. I don't take things lying down.
We have news.....
After a lot of soul-searching, and trying to apply our practical brains, we've decided to sell the house and downsize. It's been a tough decision & something we haven't done lightly - but something had to give. We don't know how this cancer will affect my long-term future & we want to enjoy life now. Gary also doesn't want me to be stressed out in any job in the future. Stress can exacerbate the cancer. So by downsizing & considerably reducing the mortgage - we can live for now and we don't have to worry about me working. So, to that end, we have put in an offer & had it accepted, on a smaller property, in the same village. Our house goes on the market on Saturday. Wow! At the end of the day..it's only bricks and mortar. Our 'home' will be wherever the 'Gang of Three' are together, happy, well, enjoying life.
We've shared part of this half term holiday with Gary's sister Tina, husband Jim & our nephew Ashley. And a great time we've had! They travelled a mammoth 400 miles to be here from the north-east. Trips out to Bude, Boscastle & Barnstaple (!) (OK - I confess - I rested at home). Pasties, illusive clotted cream, and a final meal 'Steak Night' with Devon bred beef. Lots of laughs, lots of fun, lots of eating....thanks guys!
I've planned a little treat for Lily today. With her good friend, also called Lily, we are taking them for a mini manicure and kids cocktails! Should be fun, and at last - some Mummy time with my girl before the next round of treatment starts.
Yes - I've been tattooed in the offending area and I've been drawn on, to the point at which Lily asked, "Are you sure they didn't play noughts and crosses on you while you were lying down Mummy?". I have a rather fetching top to wear for each session of radiotherapy. It has poppers down the front and down each arm, for ease of use while under the machinery. One sneeze - and the waiting room will get more than they bargained for! Hahaha. Barbara Windsor...Carry on Camping...
Lots of people have asked what they can do to help. And lots of my friends are now taking up weird and wonderful challenges to help both the Hospice - which are so wonderful to me and my family, and also the new Chemo Unit appeal - to build a purpose-built unit, at my local North Devon hospital. Some friends are planning a sky dive...more of that later. On April 1st, my VBF - Julie is running a 10k marathon. She's not a runner. She hates running. And she's hated the training even more! But she wanted to do something to match my bravery (her words not mine). So please sponsor her. She's running for the North Devon Hospice and it's easy to sponsor via your computer at http://www.justgiving.com/Julie-Darling . Thankyou!
I'm not singing....
I'm so tired that I feel positively ill. I kidded myself that three weeks after the last chemo - I would be back to normal. Yeah! Right! I think I know now, why the consultant has signed me off for a year. It's not just tiredness - I can still taste the chemo; I can still feel it humming through my body; the drugs are still very much in there. And I start 4 weeks intensive radiotherapy on Monday. Oooh la la!
Mind you. I don't take things lying down.
We have news.....
After a lot of soul-searching, and trying to apply our practical brains, we've decided to sell the house and downsize. It's been a tough decision & something we haven't done lightly - but something had to give. We don't know how this cancer will affect my long-term future & we want to enjoy life now. Gary also doesn't want me to be stressed out in any job in the future. Stress can exacerbate the cancer. So by downsizing & considerably reducing the mortgage - we can live for now and we don't have to worry about me working. So, to that end, we have put in an offer & had it accepted, on a smaller property, in the same village. Our house goes on the market on Saturday. Wow! At the end of the day..it's only bricks and mortar. Our 'home' will be wherever the 'Gang of Three' are together, happy, well, enjoying life.
We've shared part of this half term holiday with Gary's sister Tina, husband Jim & our nephew Ashley. And a great time we've had! They travelled a mammoth 400 miles to be here from the north-east. Trips out to Bude, Boscastle & Barnstaple (!) (OK - I confess - I rested at home). Pasties, illusive clotted cream, and a final meal 'Steak Night' with Devon bred beef. Lots of laughs, lots of fun, lots of eating....thanks guys!
I've planned a little treat for Lily today. With her good friend, also called Lily, we are taking them for a mini manicure and kids cocktails! Should be fun, and at last - some Mummy time with my girl before the next round of treatment starts.
Yes - I've been tattooed in the offending area and I've been drawn on, to the point at which Lily asked, "Are you sure they didn't play noughts and crosses on you while you were lying down Mummy?". I have a rather fetching top to wear for each session of radiotherapy. It has poppers down the front and down each arm, for ease of use while under the machinery. One sneeze - and the waiting room will get more than they bargained for! Hahaha. Barbara Windsor...Carry on Camping...
Lots of people have asked what they can do to help. And lots of my friends are now taking up weird and wonderful challenges to help both the Hospice - which are so wonderful to me and my family, and also the new Chemo Unit appeal - to build a purpose-built unit, at my local North Devon hospital. Some friends are planning a sky dive...more of that later. On April 1st, my VBF - Julie is running a 10k marathon. She's not a runner. She hates running. And she's hated the training even more! But she wanted to do something to match my bravery (her words not mine). So please sponsor her. She's running for the North Devon Hospice and it's easy to sponsor via your computer at http://www.justgiving.com/Julie-Darling . Thankyou!
Friday, 3 February 2012
Time Out
OK everyone.
Whoa-oa-oa! I feel good,
I knew that I would, now
I feel good,
I knew that I would, now
So good,
So good,
I got you
Ain't life grand?
xxx
On the count of three....
James Brown...
High volume....
I knew that I would, now
I feel good,
I knew that I would, now
So good,
So good,
I got you
Ain't life grand?
xxx
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)